All the excitement about the new book out Women, Food, and God has many of us tortured souls pulling together, standing up and vowing not to hate ourselves anymore. Is there any more truth than: "When you abuse yourself (by taunting or threatening yourself) you become a bruised human being no mater how much you weigh."?? If I were in a relationship with myself, it would be considered an abusive relationship. I have abused myself for so many years, that I have come out hating myself... I am now bruised. The positive in this whole mess is that over the past three weeks I have taken steps to change how I treat and feel about myself. I can honestly say today, at this very moment, with my feet propped up on the recliner and the ice packs on my shins that I do NOT hate myself. I am proud of myself! I know that I am accomplishing more than just fitness. I'm finally doing this all for the right reasons....to find love and peace within myself.
Not only have I struggled with body image and weight issues for most of my life, recently I have discovered that I am the reason that my husband and I can not conceive. I have to look into the eyes of the person who loves me most in the world, who I love most in the would, knowing that I am causing him to not have a child. Talk about hatting yourself!
About three weeks ago (when I got back from vacation and started hitting the gym regularly with Jenilee) I made the decision to focus on myself for a while. I made the decision to stop hating myself, forgive myself for our fertility issues, and to enjoy my life as it is right now. I needed to find peace. I also made the decision to turn "dreams" into "goals" and to put my heart into achieving them.
I'm not going to stop running because my shins hurt. I'm not going to stop running because of that abusive voice that still tries to tell me to quit. My Goal is to run a 5K, then a 10K, then a Half Marathon and finally a full Marathon. I will accomplish these goals, not with hatred but with the love I now have in my heart. Will it be a struggle everyday? Sure! Will I have set backs and abusive days? Absolutely! But I can only hope to learn from them and to move on. This is my journey to peace and love. Thank you for riding along. :)
I am proud of you and the clear difference you have in your relationship with yourself since you began. I love you no matter what, but you know and I know that only you can get over this internal struggle. I'll be here each step of the way :-)
ReplyDeleteKeep it up Shanna... your inner strength and the support of those around you (near and far) are always there, use them if necessary! I love ya girl!
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