True Strength

How is the day of the race going to be if I was so nervous about today's workout that I had to bathroom at the stadium before I ran?? It's actually quite humorous, my nervous stomach. I used to be in the bathroom for hours before first dates, the first day of school, or the first day of a new job. Now I have a whole new first to deal with...my first race.



Needless to say the nervous stomach did not affect my running or my ability to kick ass! I was able to pull strength out of myself that I had NO idea that I had. At this point I am 100% sure that anything is 95% mind and attitude. If I want to do it - I can! Body pump went just as well -- upped my weight in almost every muscle group. I am sure to be sore tomorrow, but the high that I have right now is amazing! The word of the day today for me: INTENSITY



I have to share a funny story with you all about my intensity today. When I got home from the gym this evening I was not very hungry because we ate a really late lunch. I still had a lot of energy so I thought that I should take advantage of that energy and get the house cleaned this evening. John was game and we got started. As we were cleaning I was getting more and more intense. I was cleaning thorough but very fast -- I was focused and into my tasks. John kept trying to crack jokes but I was not having it...there is no time for jokes when the cleaning gets intense. So I was walking into the kitchen (past the kitchen table) and John was putting a bottle of cleaner on the table and turning to walk back into the bathroom. The cleaner tipped over and as John turned to pick it back up I screamed (empathise screamed) "I got it!!" John just stood there looking at me with his mouth open. I immediately knew that this crazed response was not even close to necessary. I apologized and we began to get back to cleaning. I started to laugh realizing why I freaked out the way I did... I had in my head that if John broke his stride and turned to pick up the bottle, he was losing precious cleaning moments and my fear was that his focus would be lost. Talk about a nut job!



We did get the house cleaned without further incident. I'm currently enjoying sitting on my rear with Pumpkin on my shoulder sleeping. I'm sure that tomorrow will not be nearly as intense as today, but as long as it is a good day I'll be happy. I'd like to share a quote that I found today. Many of you may have seen it on my facebook status update. I think that it is amazingly true! I feel so lucky to have fought and won today, to have found my true inner strength. All I can do is pray that you all win the battle as well!



"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angles to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength." -- August Wilson

Love yourself

What an emotionally difficult day I've had! I spent the last two days at Professional Development meetings. Of course, I'm anxious and nervous all day during the PD. I'm just hoping that I'm able to prove to them that they hired the right person. So I was a bit of a mess on the way home from work. Jenilee and I did our training run before body pump, because I have to leave so early in the morning that I am unable to run before I go. It was very hot and I was very tired ... it took a few tears under my sun glasses but I worked as hard as I could and we got it done. I broke down with a few more tears right before body pump when I was on the phone with my momma. I know that it is exhaustion! I'm going to rest up tomorrow with just a walk around campus.

I am so sorry that this entry is so sort...I'm just tired! :)

Keep running, keep walking, keep moving and don't forget to love yourself!

Bumps in the road.

Oooo-weee was it hard to get up this morning. I got to bed at a fairly decent time last night so it wasn't that. I think I was just having a Monday morning... Oh how I wanted to call Jenilee and tell her that I was just not going to be able to make it. Or, if I could, convince her that we should just run this evening instead of going to kick boxing. But those thoughts came in and out of my head within seconds. I snapped back into training mode, back to the person that I have become - and I thought "Motivation gets you started but habit keeps you going" Getting up and going running three days a week has become habit, going to aerobics class in the evening has become habit. I feel like I have broken through that block that separates motivation and habit. That is not to say that I do not need to continue to motivate myself to get my workouts in, but that there is no longer a decision to be made 'should I workout today'...the decision has already been made. It's the same as brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or eating a meal - I just do it. Could you imagine how funny it would be if we asked ourselves: "Should I brush my teeth today? Maybe I could do it later, I'm really tired."

"If you want it badly enough, there are no limits on what you can achieve." -- Brian Tracy

I need to go shopping today for some clothes to wear to work. I have my first Professional Development day tomorrow and school starts next week. I haven't officially worked in almost two years so I have a very slim work wardrobe. In two years I have gained about 25 pounds and now have lost 6 in the last three weeks. This should be interesting today. I'm a little nervous...I feel good, know that I'm getting stronger, but am afraid that that confidence will fade once I see the size of the clothes I need to get. Even though I know that I'm making great progress, it's still difficult to keep my head up. I'm trying to appreciate the journey, however some bumps are easier than others!

Girl Time!

So every girl needs girl time! Most guys do not understand the bond that women have with each other or the need that they have to be around each other. Last night I got a good healthy dose of girl time...we laughed, discussed sensitive topics, ate, and laughed some more. Since moving to Murray I have really struggled being so far from close friends, but making new friends is proving to workout just dandy! I'm meeting some pretty cool ladies!!

Jenilee and I completed Week 4's training this morning. I got up bright and early on a Saturday to drive to Paris to meet Jenilee, since she has to drive to Murray everyday. It was a bit of a struggle for us this morning -- her, because of a lack of sleep and me, because of the HEAT! I felt like I couldn't take a deep breath in the whole time. I'll be happy when fall gets here and the air is a little lighter!! We discussed next week's training and how we are a little nervous...but now that I'm thinking about it - has there ever been a week that we were not nervous to begin that's week's program? NO I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend FORCING the positive self talk. I want to get myself PUMPED for Monday -- it may be the only way that I make it through. My opinion: Running is 90% mental!!!

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND AND REMEMBER TO DRINK LOTS OF WATER IN THIS HEAT!!

Denial is a powerful tool. Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision.

Be aware that, for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality - mot by changing our circumstances, but by pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are.

Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy-reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth.

Now, it is time to find courage. face the truth. Let it sink gently in.

When we can do that, we will be moved forward.

God, give me the courage and strength to see clearly.
(Today's reading from The Language of Letting Go)

One Month!

We moved our morning run to the University's track. We needed a change of scenery plus we thought that the cushioning track would help our shins and calves....It did!! Mine felt a lot better while running. I know that I need to get used to running on the street for the race, but I think this will have to do for a little while longer. At least until I build up the strength in my legs to take the pounding of the pavement. It was also a really nice change of scenery -- campus is so calm and peaceful at 7am, it was nice to have the wide running track pretty much to ourselves. Today's run felt great! I did have a little bit of negative self talk...I told my head to "shut the fuck up I'm trying to run" several times. Eh, over all I would say a GOOD RUN! :)

*I ordered Women, Food, God from the bookstore today!! Whoo-hoo!!

Again, I just have to take the time to commend everyone who has been inspired by this blog to get up and change something. I have friends emailing me, telling me that they are proud of me, telling me that they too have decided to start a workout program, or that they are working on the inside first. Anyway you cut it if you are improving your self esteem, upping your positive self talk, and feeling better you are on the way to love and peace within yourself. I'd like to provide you all with some information on how to get started or to keep going.

Eat, Pray, Love
-- This book changed my life! If you have not read it...READ IT! It is about one women's journey into self discovery. You don't actually have to take trips to Italy, India, and Indonesia to go through the journey -- do it with Elizabeth Gilbert.
"I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of the happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

[I felt that same glimmer when I decided to run and train for a 5K -- find your glimmer]

**Junk food will come back to haunt you -- Even if you don't gain a single pound (yeah right!), unhealthy food takes a toll on the body. That's because saturated fat, which is deposited in the arteries accumulates over time. In fact, research shows that more than 90 percent of heart disease cases are preventable -- but you have to start early**
(Shape Magazine)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thank you for the support!! Thank you for the love!! I'm not sure that I could have gotten up this morning if I didn't know that I had so much support and love. I can only pray that I am as supportive to you and you are to me!!

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

We did it! Week 4 Day 1 workout -- completed!! I feel like a rock star...not only because I completed the workout (that was the easy part) because I aloud myself to have a bad day yesterday, without too much guilt, and got right back on track today. These are the bumps in the road that will make me stronger.

Can I lean on you?

There are bound to be set backs, right? I'm wondering if this is a set back. I'm wondering if this is going to change the whole game or if I'll be able to get my "zip", my tenacity, my motivation back...

We cancelled our morning run -- Jenilee was not feeling well and I had an upset stomach. My stomachache could have been attributed to stress, nerves, or anxiety. But I was more than happy to go on home and crawl back into bed. I woke up a few hours later, feeling a little better, and got right to work on ordering for my most recent Pure Romance party. I was cruising along feeling good, then all of a sudden the butterflies came back. I felt uneasy and anxious, my mind started racing with a million different things. I began clenching my teeth so tight that I developed a headache. Because of these awful feelings I decided to skip kick boxing and body pump.

I've been so motivated, but I knew that a day like today would come. I hadn't had a plan for it, therefore I am not sure how to handle it. I keep thinking about something a friend of my said recently: "Just because I went to the gym yesterday but didn't go today doesn't mean that I am not going to go to the gym tomorrow." If I continue to remind myself of this little quote I should be able to get right back on track tomorrow. Tonight I need to find out where these feelings are coming from and deal with them!

If anyone has any ideas on how to deal with these uneasy and anxious feelings, please comment! That's why I'm blogging -- so I can lean on my friends.

Fear

Whenever I've dreaded doing something that was pretty much mandatory (e.g., work, school, an interview), I have found myself staying up later than I should. This is based on the childish belief that if I don't go to sleep, tomorrow will not come. Well, here I am on the eve of the Week 4 Day 1 run - I have to get up in 7 hours and I'm blogging! To put it lightly -- I am nervous! To be frank -- I'm fucking scared out of my mind!!

Thoughts of failure, pain, disappointment - questions about my ability, concern about bringing Jenilee and her success down...Fear! I genuinely believe that fear is what has held me back in the past. Fear will not beat me this time! I recognize you and I am going to beat you!

Good night!!

Peace and Love

I'm in my usual blogging position: ice packs on my shins (because they are still killing me), feet propped up on the recliner, lap top on my lap and ready to go.

All the excitement about the new book out Women, Food, and God has many of us tortured souls pulling together, standing up and vowing not to hate ourselves anymore. Is there any more truth than: "When you abuse yourself (by taunting or threatening yourself) you become a bruised human being no mater how much you weigh."?? If I were in a relationship with myself, it would be considered an abusive relationship. I have abused myself for so many years, that I have come out hating myself... I am now bruised. The positive in this whole mess is that over the past three weeks I have taken steps to change how I treat and feel about myself. I can honestly say today, at this very moment, with my feet propped up on the recliner and the ice packs on my shins that I do NOT hate myself. I am proud of myself! I know that I am accomplishing more than just fitness. I'm finally doing this all for the right reasons....to find love and peace within myself.

Not only have I struggled with body image and weight issues for most of my life, recently I have discovered that I am the reason that my husband and I can not conceive. I have to look into the eyes of the person who loves me most in the world, who I love most in the would, knowing that I am causing him to not have a child. Talk about hatting yourself!

About three weeks ago (when I got back from vacation and started hitting the gym regularly with Jenilee) I made the decision to focus on myself for a while. I made the decision to stop hating myself, forgive myself for our fertility issues, and to enjoy my life as it is right now. I needed to find peace. I also made the decision to turn "dreams" into "goals" and to put my heart into achieving them.

I'm not going to stop running because my shins hurt. I'm not going to stop running because of that abusive voice that still tries to tell me to quit. My Goal is to run a 5K, then a 10K, then a Half Marathon and finally a full Marathon. I will accomplish these goals, not with hatred but with the love I now have in my heart. Will it be a struggle everyday? Sure! Will I have set backs and abusive days? Absolutely! But I can only hope to learn from them and to move on. This is my journey to peace and love. Thank you for riding along. :)

Some much needed rest

Week 3, Day 2 training - complete! However, I now feel like I have been run over by a Mac truck!! Running this morning was, to say the least, difficult. My shins HURT and my body was just plain tired. We completed our training on target, which I know that I should be proud of, but instead I felt weak. I came home, collapsed on the bed and proclaimed that "I suck at life, suck at running, and will not be able to complete this training program." John tried to fight back the laughter once he saw the seriousness on my face and the tears in my eyes. (He can't help but laugh when I tell him that "I suck at life") Of course he immediately started encouraging me and praising the work that Jenilee and I have done thus far. It all fell on deaf ears. My legs, specifically my shins and calves, hurt so bad that I was unable to actually listen to what my wonderful husband was trying to tell me. All I could say was "ice, I need ice." Once my legs were icing I felt a little better - the pain was not as intense.

Although Jenilee and I pride ourselves on doing two-a-days, going to kick boxing and body pump in the evening after running in the morning -- we decided to take this evening off. Our bodies are tired! I know that I need some rest... and some Gatorade. So I'm going to put my legs up, ice them down again, and watch So You Think You Can Dance while drinking my Gatorade tonight. I feel good about this decision. I do not feel like I punked out or gave up. This was one of those intelligent decisions where I was truly listening to what my body was trying to tell me. Hey, I'm not going to become a super athlete overnight. Right?

This is only my third post and I only have five followers, but I can still feel the accountability! I love it! Thank you to those of you who are reading this... you are helping me in my journey. I hope that I can also provide the same motivation and support for you!

Running Fact of the Day:
A headache after you run is probably an exertion headache, essentially a tension headache that occurs when the neck and shoulder muscles contract and restrict blood flow to the head. The fix: Warm up your shoulders and neck with a self massage and some shoulder rolls. Stay loose up top, keep your shoulders relaxed and shake out your arms every once in a while.

Quote of the Day: "The miracle isn't that I finished, the miracle is that I had the courage to start" --John Bingham, runner, speaker, and writer

Ice, Ice and more ice!

It's the end of the dreaded "Week 3, Day 1" workout day. I've got ice on my shins (as advised by Runner's World, CoolRunnings.com, and more importantly my mother) to be sure that I prevent those dreaded shinsplints from coming back. So I thought that this would be as good of a time as any to blog.

I need to address a familiar voice inside of me that made an appearance this morning. While running I heard this voice that screamed "STOP, THIS IS GOING TO BE TOO HARD! JUST STOP NOW!" During our training this morning I was able to run the first 90 second interval without the menacing voice yelling at me. However, another 90 seconds later when the 3 minute interval came up I felt this pulling in my chest and the voice screaming in my head: "You are NOT going to be able to run for 3 minutes, so just stop now!". Of course being the rock star that I am, I continued on. Three minutes is now up and I finished it with NO problem (except that little hill as the end that caused me to struggle). So why? Why does my mind tell my body that I can't do it?

I mentioned that this voice is familiar to me... this is the very voice that has caused me to quit running so many times before. This is the same voice that has caused me to quit so many other endeavors before. Again, I ask the question why? Actually, no! My question is not why but HOW...How do I get it to stop? Is every run from here on out going to be an internal struggle played out in my mind?

Rest day tomorrow -- walking on campus with my buddy. :)

Here goes nothing...

I have made the incredibly egotistical decision to start a blog. I'm not a writer who has words in my head that need to be put down, I'm not doing some sort of research on social media (that would be my husband) -- what I am doing is giving my life a little more meaning. I'm finding ways to hold myself accountable for the goals that I have set. More specifically, my goal to run a 5K on August 21 in Knoxville, TN. Right about now you may be saying... 3.1 miles, Shanna that is nothing. Walking 3.1 miles is no sweat, running 3.1 miles is a whole different story!

I feel like a little background should be shared. Oh where to start? ...I have never been "able" to run...I choose swimming to avoid running (and wasn't even very good at that)...my mom has run close to 20 marathons (yes, that's 26.2 miles)...I've wanted to run a marathon, hell just a race, with my mom for close to 20 years...I have NEVER been able to stick with a training program long enough to actually make it to race day...Probably about two years ago I researched every training program I could find about first timers running marathons -- I quit before I even ran a yard.

So that brings us to today, July 11, 2010. At 6:30 tomorrow morning I will meet the best gym buddy in the history of gym buddies (Ms. Jenilee) at the Wellness Center in Murray, KY. We will begin our third week of training for the 5K that we will be running together in a little under two months. This is the longest that I have ever stuck to a running training program. Jenilee and I feel like rock starts when we finish our training in the morning and warriors when we finish working out in the evening.

You may be asking yourself right about now: Why does she feel like she needs more motivation? She seems to be doing just fine. Well, I have a history of quiting when things get a little rough annnnndddd believe me, things have been pretty rough lately which has caused me to contemplate quiting more than just running. I need an outlet, I need a release, I need accountability. This blog is going to be my accountability!