The fear of failure can do one of two things 1) it can cause you to become so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that you curl up in the fetal position and do nothing or 2) it can cause you to work your ass off and to not only not fail, but to exceed expectations. The choice is yours --- will the fear paralyze you or make you stronger?
I believe that my fear of failure has forced me to succeed in several aspects of my life...teaching, grad school, other jobs, even my marriage. However, there are also areas where my fear of failure has caused me to quit, to curl up in the fetal position and claim defeat. Examples of those life events are mostly emotional events - dieting, exercising, conflicts, etc. I recognize these events and I remember my pattern...quit, quit, quit before you fail! I "know" that I can not lose weight -- so I quit before the scale proves I'm right. I "know" that I can't run -- so I quit usually before trying. I "know" that I can not resolve this conflict -- why try, just quit!
I am scared to death of failing at my new job! School starts at the end of this week and I'm basically thrown into this school district with little knowledge of this Kentucky school system or Kentucky's SPED procedures. I feel almost paralyzed with fear; however, it is NOT an option for me to quit. So what else can I quit? Running? School? I have to drop something, don't I? I've been excited all summer about going back to school for another Master's Degree. I received my user name and password from MSU this weekend with the go-ahead letter to get my classes scheduled for the Fall. Now I'm not sure if I want to schedule... What if I can't do it all? What if I don't do well? All these questions are running around in my head causing me to doubt myself and to put my money on failure.
I've discussed John and I's inability to conceive before... each month I'm scared to death to even try to get pregnant. The feeling of failure at the end of the cycle when my period comes and I know that we are going one more month without a child is more than devastating! There are days where John has to literally beg me to try. During those most crucial days when I know that if we just don't try then there can not be failure...I want to quit before there is failure. Each month I dig down deep and I put my fear aside and we try like it was the first month that we have ever tried, like we have not faced 24 months of failure. If I could only pull on this strength to fight the fear in other aspects of my life...
I could probably call myself superwoman. ;)
This running thing is getting harder and harder. The want to quit is getting greater and greater! I'm channeling that true and deep inner strength that I know I have to keep me on track. I hope that you are doing the same.
Just like you kept telling me this morning: You are going much faster and doing much better than you think you are! We rocked it this morning! Don't forget how far you've come! You can do it!
ReplyDeleteJust so you know you are not alone in feeling this way. I wrestle with the same thing. I wonder how I can be so driven at some things and just want to not even try at others. I want to know when does it get easier? When do I start not wanting to quit?
ReplyDeleteAs I ponder this I find myself thinking of things you have written on your blog....things like you have to just keep on keepin' on and putting one foot in front of the other (paraphrasing in my own special, channeling the Brady Bunch way). I don't give myself an option in the morning as to whether or not I am going to brush my teeth so why should exercise be different (sound familair?).
Today, I was up at 7 and I worked without a break (boss is on vacation) all day. I left the office at five and had to go to practicum tonight where I saw my first clients. I was at PAAR from 6:30 to 8:45. I got in the car to come home and I felt great! I felt like I had nailed my first session and I was like I am going home and taking my B-dog for a walk. As soon as I thought this the bad thoughts started, "Aren't you tired?", "Just go home and go to bed", and my favorite "Aren't you hungry?" So I did what you told me to do...I told that voice to shut the fuck up and get out of my head. I cranked the radio headed home, ran upstairs and got right in my workout gear, grabbed B dog and off we went.
When I got home from running I still had energy but that voice crept in..."You have been going and going...just sit down and relax...you deserve it" (ohhh that voice is so tricky) but instead I popped in my Physique 57 DVD and did my 35 minutes workout. I feel freaking AMAZING and a big reason is because I am listening to what you are saying and I am doing what you are doing. I guess what I am trying to say is if you feel like quitting or that voice starts in go back and read your blog (i.e., go back to basics) and remind yourself what you already know. Don't make me send you another Nike commercial ;)