Big girl panties

It's funny that 6 days ago I posted a blog titled: dedication and commitment. Well, what the hell happened to that dedication and commitment?? I think it drove to Gatlinburg with Jenilee and her husband. We ran Saturday morning before she left. We were both very nervous about this week apart and our ability to continue training on our own. I thought that I could do it - I'm in the groove, I'm in the habit, I'll be able to keep it up. The rest of the weekend came and went and by the end of the day Monday I was feeling defeated...defeated by work, defeated by the drive, defeated by my tired, tired body! There was no working out Monday night. Tuesday and Wednesday passed just as badly...fighting to get through the day, crying on my way home, crying some more after I got home, and then getting into bed around 7:30-8:00pm. By the time I turned the TV off last night, around 9:15pm I was feeling pretty worthless. I just "knew" that all hope of me running this race had vanished! I thought to myself -- what was all this work for the past 6 weeks? For me to quit 1 1/2 weeks before the race? I thought I was making real changes in my life! What about these 9 pounds that I lost?? Am I going to gain them back...PLUS SOME???

I woke up this morning feeling considerably less stressed. I only needed to attend a training today and did not have to worry about any of my students. Throughout the day I came to realize that what went wrong this week had nothing to do with motivation, determination or commitment. It had everything to do with me falling out of touch with my emotions. I reverted back to what I'm going to call "my old self". The emotional eater. That girl who likes to curl up under the covers with a bag of Cheetos when the going gets tough. I recalled the times this week that I bought Doritos (my new emotional food). Work was hard and stressful so instead of pulling on my big girl panties I decided to quit. Quit life!

Step one -- I recognized the problem. Step two -- take back control of your emotions and life. I'm struggling with feelings of loneliness right now. I feel sort of out here all alone with no one here to support me. I didn't really want to unload my stress about work onto anyone, but I just needed someone to tell me that it's okay and that I'm going to be okay. Turns out that person happened to be my momma today. She called me around 5pm. I was still feeling down and still had not worked out. I only talked to her for about a minute but as soon as I got off the phone I put my running shoes on, strapped my iphone to my arm and started off out the front door. I ran down the long windy country road, past the corn fields, past the soy bean fields, and past the Tennessee Walking Horses. I just kept running because it felt so good.

Everyday I realize things about myself that I never knew. Everyday I grow more and more. I am so proud to say that I stopped and listened to my emotions...I did it at the perfect time -- while I was running.