Race Day

Eight weeks ago I looked at Jenilee, while finishing up body pump class, and I said "I think that we should register for a 5K". Jenilee said "Oh yeah, good idea! Maybe in like a year?" I told her no, in a few weeks.

We registered for the Hotter'n Hell 5K in Knoxville, TN, found a training program for beginners, and we got started running. For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, you know that we had some difficult days, but overall we worked very hard to prepare for this race. Not only did our training help prepare us for the race but the pounds started coming off, we began feeling better about ourselves because of the little achievements, and we both found strength within ourselves that we never knew that we had. I'm not sure if I have ever felt as good about myself as I did in these last eight weeks.

Thursday morning I woke up with a sore throat and immediately thought that any chance of me finishing this race had gone out the window. Over the next two days I was feeling worse, work was really piling on, and Jenilee's mom was admitted to the hospital and underwent surgery. This unfortunate event took Jenilee out of the race, although thankfully her mom is now home and on her way to recovery. My confidence was low, but I knew that I had too much riding on this... I had to run this race.

My wonderful husband drove me to Knoxville Friday evening and was my number one support the whole weekend! Unwinding with Robin and Craig when we arrived into town really helped to calm my nerves. (Thank you Robin for providing us with wonderful hospitality!) Saturday morning I felt like crap. My cold had wondered down into my chest and I could feel myself wheezing. I just kept telling myself to get through this race!

It didn't even feel real when everyone started lining up at the start... all I could think was that I needed to get toward the back so that I did not get run over. The gun was loud and startling...here we go!! At the bottom of the hill (about .20 miles) I could feel my chest tighten. I knew that this was going to be a difficult run with the way I was feeling. Just finish! I tried to focus, I tried to imagine the finish line -- none of that worked. All I could think of was how much longer until I can get back into bed. I wasn't thirsty by the time I got to the first water station and I kept hearing my mom's voice telling me not to take water if I don't feel like I need it. I skip the station, averting my eyes from the screaming volunteers "water to your right, Gatorade to your left." Here come the hills. Short but very steep hills. I think that I can hear someone cheering, telling people that they are doing well, keep going. Before too long I'm the only one running up a ridiculously steep hill. As I pump my arms I hear the voice from earlier "There you go! Just like that! You got this hill!" I have no idea who this man is but I want to stop and hug him. Not long after the hill I start to see some men running toward me. They were the guys in the front of the start line with short-shorts and no shirts. They have their bibs pined to the front of their shorts. The course is a turn around course and the lead running are already on their way back. I figure I have about another half mile until the turn around. This causes me much relief!

I've made the turn around and I'm halfway home. I tried to pick up the pace but then my chest started tightening and I could feel the crud in my throat. I just keep telling myself that I'm not trying to win this race, just finish it. I make it back to that steep hill only there is no cheerleader at the top urging me to keep going. I'm pushing and pushing but before I know it I'm walking. I figure that I have about half a mile left and that I'll just walk for a little bit. I desperately needed to catch my breath and my shins were burning. Four people passed me while I was walking and I knew that I just had to catch them before the end. Right before I got to the water station, about a quarter of a mile from the hill I decided that I needed to give this my all. I start jogging, then running toward the finish. I'm one turn away from being able to see the finish line and I just passed two of the four people who passed me during my short time walking. I'm looking around trying to find my husband (and number one fan) thinking I can't finish this race without seeing that he is here cheering for me. I focus on passing the next two runners who had passed me, then I go right back to looking for my husband. I can't find him but I'm about to finish. I dug in and gave it my all just like I used to when I finished a 500 during a High School swim meet. I felt like I was floating, my legs were propelling me so high and fast. I heard people in the crowd clapping just as I hit the finish line. There he was.... standing at the finish line with the camera out taking pictures of me. I look at him and start to cry. I tried to hide it because I don't want to seem like a dork for crying after a 5K. You know... Try to play it cool. The overwhelming feelings of accomplishment and pride kept causing me to get choked up. After I congratulated Robin for finishing the race and grabbing a banana I headed to the car. I needed to release these emotions. John and I sat in the car while I cried. Running that race was something that I've wanted to do my whole life!

Big girl panties

It's funny that 6 days ago I posted a blog titled: dedication and commitment. Well, what the hell happened to that dedication and commitment?? I think it drove to Gatlinburg with Jenilee and her husband. We ran Saturday morning before she left. We were both very nervous about this week apart and our ability to continue training on our own. I thought that I could do it - I'm in the groove, I'm in the habit, I'll be able to keep it up. The rest of the weekend came and went and by the end of the day Monday I was feeling defeated...defeated by work, defeated by the drive, defeated by my tired, tired body! There was no working out Monday night. Tuesday and Wednesday passed just as badly...fighting to get through the day, crying on my way home, crying some more after I got home, and then getting into bed around 7:30-8:00pm. By the time I turned the TV off last night, around 9:15pm I was feeling pretty worthless. I just "knew" that all hope of me running this race had vanished! I thought to myself -- what was all this work for the past 6 weeks? For me to quit 1 1/2 weeks before the race? I thought I was making real changes in my life! What about these 9 pounds that I lost?? Am I going to gain them back...PLUS SOME???

I woke up this morning feeling considerably less stressed. I only needed to attend a training today and did not have to worry about any of my students. Throughout the day I came to realize that what went wrong this week had nothing to do with motivation, determination or commitment. It had everything to do with me falling out of touch with my emotions. I reverted back to what I'm going to call "my old self". The emotional eater. That girl who likes to curl up under the covers with a bag of Cheetos when the going gets tough. I recalled the times this week that I bought Doritos (my new emotional food). Work was hard and stressful so instead of pulling on my big girl panties I decided to quit. Quit life!

Step one -- I recognized the problem. Step two -- take back control of your emotions and life. I'm struggling with feelings of loneliness right now. I feel sort of out here all alone with no one here to support me. I didn't really want to unload my stress about work onto anyone, but I just needed someone to tell me that it's okay and that I'm going to be okay. Turns out that person happened to be my momma today. She called me around 5pm. I was still feeling down and still had not worked out. I only talked to her for about a minute but as soon as I got off the phone I put my running shoes on, strapped my iphone to my arm and started off out the front door. I ran down the long windy country road, past the corn fields, past the soy bean fields, and past the Tennessee Walking Horses. I just kept running because it felt so good.

Everyday I realize things about myself that I never knew. Everyday I grow more and more. I am so proud to say that I stopped and listened to my emotions...I did it at the perfect time -- while I was running.

dedication and commitment

It feels sort of weird that I haven't posted since Monday. For those of you keeping track I did do three running workouts this week...I was just so tired after running in the 98 degree heat last night that I went right to bed. All I have to say is 98 degrees and you all should know how that run felt...like I was running through sludge, like I couldn't breathe, etc. etc. But of course we got it done!

This week has really tested my dedication to running and my commitment to my running partner, Jenilee. It would have been so easy for me to tell her that I'm just too damn tired to run after work yesterday, or to have not gone to the gym tonight because I was tired and had a bad day. I feel like this habit that I have gotten myself into is amazing! Like I have said before...there is no choice! I will run, I will go to the gym, I will exercise today.

I'm very nervous about the coming weeks... Jenilee is going on vacation next week. This means that we are left to continue our trainings alone. (dun, dun, da!) Can we do it? I feel like I can not! She insisted that I can -- I guess we will see what happens once Tuesday rolls around and I'm at the track all alone. I'm also pretty nervous about my continued dedication once we getting deeper and deeper into the school year. I'll have times that I will have to stay late, kick boxing classes that I'll miss -- I just have to stay positive and know that it is not the end of the world and that I'll make up those workouts.

Our first 5K is in two weeks from tomorrow. I hope we are ready!!

failure

The fear of failure can do one of two things 1) it can cause you to become so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that you curl up in the fetal position and do nothing or 2) it can cause you to work your ass off and to not only not fail, but to exceed expectations. The choice is yours --- will the fear paralyze you or make you stronger?

I believe that my fear of failure has forced me to succeed in several aspects of my life...teaching, grad school, other jobs, even my marriage. However, there are also areas where my fear of failure has caused me to quit, to curl up in the fetal position and claim defeat. Examples of those life events are mostly emotional events - dieting, exercising, conflicts, etc. I recognize these events and I remember my pattern...quit, quit, quit before you fail! I "know" that I can not lose weight -- so I quit before the scale proves I'm right. I "know" that I can't run -- so I quit usually before trying. I "know" that I can not resolve this conflict -- why try, just quit!

I am scared to death of failing at my new job! School starts at the end of this week and I'm basically thrown into this school district with little knowledge of this Kentucky school system or Kentucky's SPED procedures. I feel almost paralyzed with fear; however, it is NOT an option for me to quit. So what else can I quit? Running? School? I have to drop something, don't I? I've been excited all summer about going back to school for another Master's Degree. I received my user name and password from MSU this weekend with the go-ahead letter to get my classes scheduled for the Fall. Now I'm not sure if I want to schedule... What if I can't do it all? What if I don't do well? All these questions are running around in my head causing me to doubt myself and to put my money on failure.

I've discussed John and I's inability to conceive before... each month I'm scared to death to even try to get pregnant. The feeling of failure at the end of the cycle when my period comes and I know that we are going one more month without a child is more than devastating! There are days where John has to literally beg me to try. During those most crucial days when I know that if we just don't try then there can not be failure...I want to quit before there is failure. Each month I dig down deep and I put my fear aside and we try like it was the first month that we have ever tried, like we have not faced 24 months of failure. If I could only pull on this strength to fight the fear in other aspects of my life...
I could probably call myself superwoman. ;)

This running thing is getting harder and harder. The want to quit is getting greater and greater! I'm channeling that true and deep inner strength that I know I have to keep me on track. I hope that you are doing the same.